I used to think I was immune to influence.
Sure, other people might get swayed by their friends, but not me. I made my own choices. I was my own person.
Turns out I was full of shit.
I grew up in an environment where racist and homophobic comments were casual dinner table conversation. For years, I absorbed those beliefs without question - because everyone around me talked that way. It took leaving that environment and meeting the very people I’d been judging before I realized how ignorant I’d been.
That’s the thing about influence, it’s invisible until you step outside of it.
How My Environment Shaped Me (Without Me Realizing It)
I can see it so clearly now - how the people around me molded my beliefs, habits, and choices in ways I didn’t recognize at the time.
The racism and homophobia: When you hear adults casually making horrible comments about people with different skin colors, religions, or sexual orientations, you absorb it. Those beliefs became my beliefs for a long time. It wasn’t until I left that environment and actually met the people I’d been taught to judge that I realized how ignorant and stupid I was.
Nelson Mandela said it perfectly:
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
The drinking culture: In France, alcohol is just normal. It’s cultural. There’s always been a bottle of red wine at the table during meals. We always have an aperitif before dinner. A beer while watching sports. For years, this felt as natural as breathing.
Catching up with friends meant going to the pub for drinks. Having someone over for dinner meant a few drinks beforehand, wine during the meal, and digestifs after. Going out meant getting pissed, what’s the point otherwise?
And we never just drank. There was always food: nuts, saucisson, ham, olives, cheese, bread. Delicious, but not exactly health food.
When we moved to Miami, the people we met barely drank, and most were incredibly health-conscious. Without the social pressure, it’s crazy how quickly I adjusted. These days, I drink maybe 4 or 5 times a year - that used to be per week in France. And when I do drink now, it’s because I choose to, not because I feel pressure to look cool.
The health shift: In Miami, my friends were all pretty healthy. So I didn’t just clean up my diet, I got curious about other aspects of health too. Moving my body, taking care of it, mental health practices. That’s when I started meditating, reading self-development books, all that stuff.
The entrepreneurship bug: Guess what environment I needed to get interested in entrepreneurship? You got it: being surrounded by entrepreneurs. I coul√d see firsthand how rewarding it was for them and how they designed their lifestyle around their work instead of the other way around. It inspired me to do the same.
I wasn’t a victim of these influences, I had choices. But let’s be real: social pressure and environment are powerful forces. And most of us aren’t even aware of how much they’re shaping us.
This Isn’t Just Me, It’s Science
We massively underestimate how much the people around us shape our lives. And I’m not talking about some woo-woo “energy” stuff - I’m talking about cold, hard data.
Health: A Harvard Medical School study found that when someone becomes obese, their friend’s chances of becoming obese increase by 57%. Their siblings? 40%. Their spouse? 37%. But their neighbor (if not part of their social network)? Zero effect. The behavior spreads through relationships, not proximity.
On the flip side, research from the National Institutes of Health shows that people who exercise with a friend are 45% more likely to report good mental health and have a higher likelihood of meeting physical activity guidelines.
Drinking: Students with friends who drink weekly are up to 7 times more likely to drink weekly themselves. Over 85% of people have experienced peer pressure to drink, and 60% of young adults report social pressure to consume alcohol.
Beliefs and values: Friends significantly shape our attitudes through social validation and peer influence. We tend to adopt the values of our inner circle, a phenomenon known as social contagion, which can either reinforce positive growth or encourage negative habits.
This isn’t just correlation. It’s cause and effect. Your friends influence your physical health, mental health, beliefs, values, and habits. Spend enough time with people who have poor health habits and questionable values, and it will affect you. It will shape your thoughts. Your thoughts shape your actions. Your actions become your habits.
Why Are Your Friends Your Friends?
Think about this for a minute:
Why are you spending time with the people around you? Did you actually choose them for who they are... or did you choose them because it was easy?
Most people’s friends fall into three buckets:
Friends from youth/school
Neighbors
People they work with
Maybe a fourth bucket: people from hobby-related activities (gym, sports, music events, whatever).
These are “low-hanging fruit” friends. They were already there, easy to grab, required minimal effort. You went to the same school, worked at the same place, lived nearby - so you became friends.
But is convenience a good enough reason to build your inner circle?
There’s very little introspection in those friendships. No real thought about shared interests, values, or beliefs. No intentionality.
What to Do About It
If who we spend time with matters this much, what should we actually do about it?
Step 1: Assess Your Current Circle
For each friend in your life, ask yourself:
Do I feel drained or energized after spending time with them?
What’s one word that defines our relationship?
Why did we connect in the first place?
What do we share right now: beliefs, interests, values?
If we were meeting today for the first time, would we become friends again?
Be honest with yourself. Really honest.
Step 2: Don’t Be Afraid to Move On
The uncomfortable truth: we struggle to move on from friendships.
But let’s be real, we can be best friends with someone at one point in life and grow apart later. We all change. I did. You did. They did.
The “old us” might have been super compatible, but the new versions might not be anymore. And that’s okay.
It’s fine to change. It’s encouraged, even. It’s okay to grow apart. It doesn’t make you or them bad people, just different.
If necessary, move on. Sometimes that means “I’ll never see them again.” But sometimes it just means putting boundaries in place, seeing each other a few times a year instead of weekly.
Once I became aware of all this, I didn’t hesitate, I did what was best for me. I put physical distance between myself and certain people in France by moving and traveling. I let those relationships fade naturally. With people I couldn’t distance myself from - like family - I decided to spend less time with them and keep conversations surface-level, avoiding topics that could create tension.
It might sound selfish, but prioritizing your growth and wellbeing isn’t selfish, it’s necessary.
Step 3: Be Intentional About Building New Friendships
Building friendships as an adult is hard. It’s an investment of time and energy.
But just like romantic relationships, be mindful about where and how you connect with people. You probably wouldn’t look for your long-term partner, the love of your life, at a strip club (and if you would, no judgment) - so maybe don’t expect to find your healthy, wise, spiritual friend at the local dive bar.
What does it mean to be intentional about making friends?
Ask yourself what you want from friendship and what you have to offer. What are your non-negotiables? Based on that, ask yourself where you’re most likely to meet people with those qualities and values.
We tend to level up or down to match the people we spend time with. Spend time with people doing less than you, and you’ll drift backward. Spend time with people ahead of you, and you’ll get pulled forward. It’s not about judging anyone, it’s about recognizing that proximity shapes trajectory. If you want to grow, surround yourself with people who are already where you want to be.
Then put yourself out there, in those environments. Invest time and energy. Don’t settle for the first person who shows up.
You can also be strategic about this. And no, I don’t mean taking advantage of people, I mean being smart.
If you want to get into business or entrepreneurship, try to connect with people already doing it. If you want to get fit and build better health habits, find friends at the gym instead of the pub. If you want to get better with finances, maybe spend less time with the friend who lives life on a credit card.
Your environment shapes you. Your friends influence you. You might as well design that influence intentionally.
Final Thought
I’m not saying you need to dump all your old friends and start fresh (though if that’s what you need, go for it).
What I am saying is this: pay attention to who you’re spending time with. Notice how they make you feel. Notice what behaviors, beliefs, and habits you’re absorbing from them.
And if you realize your circle isn’t serving the life you’re trying to build?
Change it.
The quickest way to change your life is to change your inner circle.
This has been a current project of mine. I especially liked the book Platonic by Marisa G Franco, and even read it with a friend. Appreciate this candid self-study. Great suggestions!
This was such a good reminder that I need to do periodic audits of the people I surround myself with lol Jokes aside, I related to so much of what you said, especially now that I'm living in the U.S. versus when I’m in Italy. In the U.S., especially in cities like NYC or Miami, there’s this strong “you can do anything you set your mind to” energy. In Italy, on the other hand, people are so much more pessimistic and defeated when it comes to anything work-related (I don’t fully blame them--growing up there, I used to feel exactly the same way!). Great reflection, Jeremie!