“I’m literally in therapy working on the flip side of what I coach people on.”
That realization hit me after a recent session.
Here’s the thing:
Almost every client I work with, whether in coaching or consulting, struggles with saying no.
In their personal life, they say yes to things they don’t want to do. They struggle to set boundaries with loved ones and friends. They people-please constantly... and it drains them.
In their business? Same story. They agree to meetings they don’t want to attend. They say yes to projects they don’t actually want because of the money. They interrupt their deep work when someone asks for “just a quick minute.”
I haven’t had a single client yet where we didn’t have to work on this. Even Rosie is a pure-bred people pleaser.
Me? I’m the complete opposite.
During a recent therapy session, I realized something: I struggle to NOT say no to things I don’t want to do.
You’d think that’s good, right? That I cracked the code.
But what came up during the session is that it’s affecting people around me, mainly Rosie, since we spend 24/7 together, in ways you might not expect.
It’s useful in business most of the time. I have clear boundaries now. But in my personal life? It can be a real pain for the people I love.
The Journey to “No”
It wasn’t always like this.
For years as an employee, I said yes to plenty of things I didn’t agree with or want to do. Sometimes it was strategic, you have to show up and prove yourself. Even if you know it’s gonna be painful, it’s worth going through it because something good will come out of it. And honestly? It worked more often than not.
Sometimes it wasn’t strategic at all. I just had to do what I was told. That’s part of the job.
When I became an entrepreneur, things shifted. First, I experimented on my own with random things. I could do what I wanted and didn’t really have to say yes to anything I didn’t want to.
Then came an interesting trajectory (I’m just seeing this clearly now):
My first business was with 2 partners. We had a common mission, but we didn’t always agree on everything. We were all very different people with different personalities. It worked well... until it sort of didn’t. I could get frustrated because there was only so much I could influence.
After that, I started a new business with 1 partner. Things were better. We had more in common in how we approached work, despite being very different in skillsets and personalities. We didn’t always agree, but we could always find ways to work around our disagreements for the good of the business.
When you work with people, you have to find middle ground, especially when you’re remote and in different parts of the world.
The real shift came during the Warrior Flow School years. I hate meetings. I believe 80% of meetings could be emails. But I was tired of being on calls pretty much every day: internal meetings, calls with students, team members, other teachers. There always seemed to be a reason to spend 2 hours on Zoom to fix a 15-minute problem.
often said during those moments that I was doing my “grumpy French” 🤣 We sounded like a married couple at times.It was affecting my work: always being interrupted, hard to focus. Having daily calls meant I couldn’t do what I wanted when I wanted.
When that business ended and I went solo? No one else to compromise with. I’m the boss 😆
Now that I have full control, I use it.
I have clear boundaries with calls: Sunday to Wednesday, afternoons/evenings only. I never work mornings. I take a day off when I want. I don’t work after therapy sessions. I don’t have useless meetings anymore.
It’s lovely, not gonna lie.
I’m also in charge of business decisions... which I like. It gives me freedom. It’s also a responsibility, I can only blame myself if it doesn’t work out. But I’m cool with that.
I block time in my calendar to work on things (write this newsletter, engage on social platforms, etc.) and I treat those blocks like meetings. I’m busy.
These days, I tend to say no if I don’t want to work with a client or on a project. I still struggle with that sometimes because often I could use the money... but sometimes the money isn’t worth it if I can “smell trouble.”
This is still a work in progress, but I’m much better than when I started and would say yes to anything at any price to get experience and cash.
I don’t undervalue myself anymore.
The Other Side of the Coin
Here’s the problem: I’m the same in my personal life.
Jeremie gets grumpy when he’s forced to do something he doesn’t want to. And honestly, I just usually don’t. Period.
But when I do, it annoys me. It shows on my face, my mood, my behavior. I genuinely hate doing things I don’t want to do.
I’m still working on understanding why, but the impact is real. It affects people around me, mainly Rosie.
As she pointed out, because of my reaction, it often “kills the vibe” or her excitement, and we don’t end up doing much of what she wants that I don’t. The other way around isn’t the case because she’s a people pleaser.
My mind just struggles to process why you would do things you don’t want to do. I often suggest she can do it alone, but it’s not the same.
Some examples?
Museums. I hate them. They bore me to death. Rosie has to go on her own, or I’ll drag my feet there, shut down, don’t talk, and just become an annoyance to the point where she’d rather not do it. 🏛️
Instagram smoothie bowl restaurants in Bali. Not my vibe. I hate it. But she loves them. I need to work on that, at the moment, I feel like I can’t help reacting this way. It sort of takes over me. 🥥
And I’m realizing something important through therapy: it’s not fair to her.
It doesn’t matter if I want to do it or not. I should be happy for her, happy to make her happy. The reason she doesn’t want to do these things alone is because she wants to share and live it with me, not just tell me about it afterward.
I don’t have to love museums or smoothie bowls. But I can appreciate that it makes her happy. I can be there WITH her, even if it’s not my thing.
The challenge is that this feels tied to my identity. I don’t want to become a people pleaser all the time and lose myself. So it’s going to require finding balance, which is not easy work.
We’re still working on this in therapy. We suspect it comes from the fact that I’m an only child, and for two decades, I always got what I wanted how I wanted it.
But it’s more than that. Growing up, I had 6 people looking after me: my parents and both sets of grandparents. On my mom’s side, I was the only grandchild. On my dad’s side, I wasn’t the only one, but I was the only one living in the same town. So I had 4 grandparents all taking care of me, giving me love and attention.
I wasn’t a troublesome or demanding kid, I didn’t abuse it. But I always got what I wanted. I was never told no many times as far as I can remember.
I grew up in a bubble where everything revolved around what I wanted.
We haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact first time it felt annoying to hear no. But the pattern is clear: my environment shaped me to expect things to go my way. And that served me well as an entrepreneur building my own business.
But it’s not serving me well in my relationship.
The Irony of Helping Others
Here’s what I find interesting: people come to me for help with something I’ve never experienced and find very easy, “just say no.”
I’ve learned to understand why it can be hard by spending time with people pleasers and reading books... but it’s sort of ironic.
I don’t have lived experience, but I’ve studied (read books, watched podcasts), so I have some tools to help people.
I remember a few years ago someone saying: practice this simple rule, if it’s not a fuck yeah, it’s a no. Brutal, but it works.
Here are some of the actual exercises I give my clients:
Complete this: “I automatically say yes to...” and “I automatically say no to...” Purpose: Identify your patterns without judgment.
Track every “yes” you want to say “no” to for one week. Goal: Create awareness of how often you abandon your own needs without realizing it.
Write 3 versions of “no” that feel authentic to you: gentle, firm, apologetic. Purpose: Give yourself language options so you can practice boundaries in your own style.
Practice saying no to one small request this week. Purpose: Build your boundary muscle with a low-stakes situation before bigger challenges.
It’s also a practice, like any muscle, it takes time to build. Start small, then work your way up. 💪
It’s also a mindset shift. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about others or that you’re a selfish egocentric prick. It just means you have boundaries. You look after yourself, your time, your energy, your space.
People will acknowledge you and even admire you for that eventually.
The Hidden Cost of Both Extremes
What I think is a strength in business (most of the time) can be a weakness that hurts my relationship.
And on the flip side, when people can’t say no, it often hurts their business, or at least them. It burns them out.
In the long run, it can also hurt them at a personal level, in relationships, because it drains them. They don’t feel acknowledged and seen. Resentment can build over time if the problem isn’t addressed.
The truth is, both extremes have costs.
Being unable to say no leads to burnout, resentment, and losing yourself in trying to please everyone. You build a business and life that serves everyone else’s needs except your own.
Being unable to say yes, or at least being unable to do things you don’t want without making it everyone else’s problem, means you risk pushing away the people you love. You might have strong boundaries in business, but you become rigid and difficult in relationships.
What I’m Learning
I don’t have this figured out. I’m literally in therapy working on the flip side of what I coach people on.
And that’s okay.
Self-awareness is ongoing work. Recognizing that your greatest strength in one area can be your biggest weakness in another? That’s the first step to finding balance.
I’m working on it. Trying to understand why doing things I don’t want to do triggers such a strong reaction in me. Learning to be more flexible in my personal life without losing the boundaries that serve me in business.
It’s a process. And I’m sharing it with you because I think it’s important to see that none of us have it all figured out, even people who help others with these exact issues.
My therapist said something that really landed with me:
“You have a choice. You can carry on and change nothing and don’t care... or you can do the hard work, do your best to change for the future and the best of your relationship.”
That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it?
Not about finding the perfect balance overnight. Not about having all the answers. It’s about recognizing when your strength has become a liability and choosing to do the hard work even when you don’t know how it’ll turn out.
Self-awareness without action is just interesting trivia about yourself.
Your Turn to Reflect
Here’s what I want you to think about:
Where is your greatest strength causing problems in another area of your life?
Maybe you’re amazing at being flexible and accommodating at work, but it’s burning you out because you never say no.
Maybe you’ve mastered boundaries in your personal life, but it’s making you rigid and difficult to work with professionally.
Maybe you’re generous with your time for friends, but it’s hurting your business because you’re always available for “just a quick coffee.”
The point isn’t to have it all figured out. The point is to be aware.
Because once you see it, you have a choice. You can keep doing what you’re doing, or you can choose to do the hard work.
Drop a comment and share: What’s your relationship with saying no? Do you struggle to say it, or do you struggle NOT to say it? How is it showing up in your life?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. 💬