Are you tired of feeling stuck while everyone around you tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear?
You know the feeling. People sugarcoat things. They offer empty reassurances. They avoid the uncomfortable truths that would actually help you move forward.
For years, my wife Rosie has told me that one of the things she loves most about me is my directness and how honest I am.
It’s not always fun for her when she needs words of affirmation… but at least she always knows where I stand.
This is who I am naturally, and it’s part of my “coaching style”. Surprisingly (or not), my clients seem to like it!
After hearing these compliments multiple times over the past few weeks, it got me thinking... why are people appreciating my direct, no-BS, honest approach?
Directness = Love
We live in a society where everyone loves to talk about authenticity… to the point where it ironically becomes fake 😅
Candor, empathy, and compassion are all wonderful and necessary for us to feel connected, seen, and understood.
However, too much criticism/negativity or too much excitement/positivity doesn’t help because it doesn’t move the needle.
This is what a prospect told me during a call:
“I work better with directness... I don’t want a friend that’s going to tell me things that aren’t true. If I’m messing up or if I’m doing something or if I’m saying something, let me know. And let me know because we have that kind of relationship and you love me enough to call me out on it.”
I completely agree with her. Honest feedback doesn’t have to be mean. Criticism doesn’t have to be negative.
Delivered with compassion, in a constructive manner, direct and honest feedback is what will get you unstuck (if you take action).
My clients see being called out as a sign that I care about them enough to help them improve.
One client told me: “I told a friend I was grateful to you for ‘calling me out on my shit’ which was not what you did at all (the derogatory). But you took my own statement, and gently implied that this is a mindblock preventing your happiness.”
On a personal level, I’ve experienced the negative side of a lack of directness. When Rosie and I went through pregnancy losses, people around us always tried to be positive with cookie-cutter sentences like:
“At least you can get pregnant”
“You’re still young, you have time”
And much more. I’m not saying those aren’t true. But they don’t actually help. The problem is they don’t acknowledge what’s going on. It’s dismissive. It brushes away what happened. Sometimes things just suck and we can be sad about it, without looking at the silver lining (yet). It’s not about pity, it’s about seeing things for what they are, good or bad.
No Coddling
Acknowledging someone’s pain, struggles, or challenges doesn’t mean pitying them. It means seeing what is happening.
But what to do from there?
“I just really wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your no bullshit, no fluffy crap. It’s just like, oh, shit, this is happening. Okay, how do we deal with it? There’s no pity on your face. You don’t feel sorry for me. And I really appreciate that because I don’t like anybody to feel sorry for me.”
I’m not the most compassionate person in the world, for sure. It doesn’t mean I’m not sad when bad things happen to people.
But like my therapist told me, I’m a fixer. Which I guess is a handy quality in the context of coaching and consulting. I acknowledge the struggles, but I don’t dwell on them because that doesn’t help in my view.
My brain immediately switches into problem-solving mode. How do we deal with this situation? What can we do to learn from it?
It’s not always about fixing things quickly. It’s about getting clarity on the situation, understanding what’s happening, why… diving to the core of it… then mapping out a plan of action we can implement whenever we feel ready.
When I work with someone, I always assume I’m working with adults who can handle reality. Pity or false reassurance doesn’t help in the long run, it’s just instant gratification.
One client shared: “I realized that some people have tried to smallen me, or manage me or control me. Which is an ungenerous interpretation, but many of my self-doubting tendencies come from considering how my actions could be interpreted by others, and giving higher priority to those who would negatively judge me. You, on the other hand, are totally championing me.”
This is the shift that happens when you work with someone who’s actually in your corner, not to coddle you, but to champion you. If you’re tired of people tip-toeing around the truth and you’re ready for someone who will help you see things clearly without the fluff, learn more about my coaching here.
Clarity Over Comfort
People don’t come to me for comfort. Life and society are good enough at giving you more than enough of that and keeping you stuck there.
People come to me to get unstuck, get a sense of direction, then move forward.
Most of the time, that requires getting uncomfortable and hearing challenging truths.
I have to admit, this is one of my favorite parts of the job: having the permission to ask the tough questions.
For example, a few days ago I was talking to a client who doesn’t feel comfortable in their country anymore. However, they just bought a new house. I had to ask: “Why did you buy a new house in a country you don’t want to live in then?”
I don’t care about the answer. And I don’t expect my client to change their mind or anything like that.
The goal is to question why we do what we do.
Too often, we live life on autopilot, making decisions just because “it is the way it is”. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Questioning why we do what we do brings so much awareness, depth, and importance to life.
Balanced Feedback
As I stated before, being direct and honest doesn’t mean being mean.
I do my absolute best to provide balanced feedback and to look at things from multiple angles.
I really enjoy reframing things: how can we look at this negative thing positively, and how can we look at this positive thing negatively?
It brings depth and nuance.
Nothing in life is black or white… the truth often lies somewhere in the middle, in the grey area.
Offering a different perspective and sometimes even playing devil’s advocate.
Again, this is what my clients pay me for… not to hear the same bland boring answers or questions they’ve been told a million times that didn’t change anything.
Another client put it this way: “Know that I know you are absolutely exceeding my expectations (and they were already high since I experienced your work indirectly through WFS!).”
The Truth About Growth
If I can be honest (that’s the topic of today’s newsletter after all), I think our society has gotten too soft.
People don’t want to hear and handle the truth anymore. They don’t want to feel uncomfortable because they think life is already hard enough.
People spend too much time dwelling and complaining… things happen to them all the time, and they always have someone to blame for it. However, they always point fingers instead of looking in the mirror.
My belief is that to grow we need to be willing to get uncomfortable. We need to reflect on our actions, thoughts, behaviors, beliefs… develop self-awareness… and retake some control.
The problem is that when you blame the world for what happens in your life, you give away your power. You feel nothing can ever change because it’s not up to you.
But the truth is that you are responsible for the choices you make. You can always quit, move, end a relationship, replace something not serving you with something else… you have this power. But for that, you need to take responsibility for your actions.
You are where you are because of the choices you made. Own that.
Sometimes for things to get better they need to get shitty for a little while.
“A caterpillar literally dissolves itself, it cocoons to die a death before later emerging as the beauty of the butterfly.” - Maya Angelou
If you’re tired of being a caterpillar, stuck on the ground, and you want to become a butterfly and fly with your own wings to experience the world, it starts with being willing to face uncomfortable truths about where you are and why.
I help people through that transformation. Not by coddling them or telling them what they want to hear, but by helping them see clearly, question everything, and build a life that’s actually theirs.
If you’re ready to stop living on autopilot and start taking responsibility for the life you want to create, book a free discovery call with me. We’ll get clear on what’s keeping you stuck and map out what getting unstuck looks like for you. No pitch, no pressure, just an honest conversation about where you are and where you want to be.
PS: Not sure if coaching is right for you? Reply to this email and tell me what you’re struggling with. I read every response, and sometimes just typing it out to someone who gets it is the first step toward clarity.
"Clarity Over Comfort", absolutely! I love love your approach.