More humans alive than ever. More ways to meet people than ever. Flights, apps, social media, dating platforms designed specifically to help you find the one.
And yet... loneliness is at an all-time high. People can’t seem to enjoy dating anymore. Relationships feel disposable.
There’s a line from an Armin van Buuren song called Alone that I keep coming back to:
“Everyone’s connected, but no one is connecting. The human element has long been missing.”
That’s exactly where we are.
We turned dating into HR
Two female friends of mine, from different parts of the world, recently shared almost identical experiences about dating.
Download a bunch of apps, set up the “perfect” profile. Lots of scrolling, lots of dumb messages. And at some point, frustration kicks in and the apps get deleted.
I find this fascinating. And I should be upfront: I haven’t dated since 2010. Rosie and I got together when we were 22, back when the closest thing to a dating app was becoming Facebook friends and messaging there. So everything I’m about to say is based on observation and listening to people talk about it, not lived experience.
Swiping through profiles looks a lot like an HR person browsing CVs. The first date is a job interview. And if you’re not the perfect candidate... you’re out. Next. Someone else will apply anyway.
In our world of consumerism, romantic partners have been commoditized. People flick through profiles like they flick through shoes or t-shirts. And because there seems to be an unlimited supply of potential dates, everyone has become extremely picky. They won’t settle for less than perfection.
It’s an endless cycle:
Swipe.
Match.
Message.
Date.
“They’re nice, but I’m not sure... there’s probably someone better out there.”
Back to step one.
And I think those two things are connected.
When you believe someone better is always one swipe away, why would you ever do the work to get through a rough patch?
The stakes are too high from day one
When I was younger and met a girl I liked, things were simple. We spent time together, spoke, did stuff, learned to know each other. Most couples I knew started as friends. Things developed naturally.
That’s actually how Rosie and I started. We ended up sharing an apartment in Sydney - with 5 other people - just a few weeks apart. We shared meals, explored the city together, watched movies, went out. No agenda. Just two people getting to know each other.
From what I’m seeing now, people approach dating with a completely different frame: I’m on the hunt for the love of my life.
That puts so much pressure on every interaction. There’s no room for silly moments, awkward silences, the small oopsies. No room for being human with each other.
And when the first roadblock comes - as it always does with real people - the exit is right there. An infinite feed of new options. So people bail. Done. Moving on.
What I’ve been doing instead
I’m not looking for a romantic partner. But when Rosie and I arrived in Bangkok, we didn’t know anyone. I had one internet friend, Mark, that I’d met once for a couple of hours. That was it.
First thing we did: downloaded the Meetup app and looked for events we could attend. Not the underground parties advertising free alcohol - slow events, where you spend a few hours together, share a drink in a quiet cafe or a meal. Places where you actually talk to people.
I’ve also been going to every Futera United football game to build the friendship with Mark. Each trip is 1h45 there, 90 minutes of football, 1h45 back. It’s not easy. But I’m glad I do it - I met his wife, some of his mates, and we started playing padel together.
Then at a board game meetup in March, I met an Australian guy named Luke. I’d picked that event on purpose - a nerdy cafe, the kind of place where I knew I’d meet people with similar interests. Luke and his wife have since become really good friends of ours. Now there’s 8 of us playing padel on a weekly basis together.
I really got into padel here. What’s cool is that if you don’t have friends to play with, you can use a couple of apps to join other people’s matches. Great way to meet people with a similar hobby.
Are those people perfect? Probably not, but neither am I.
What I would do if I was single
I’m still looking to make friends, and I’ll keep doing that.
But if I was alone and looking for more... I don’t think I would jump on those online dating apps. I’d have the exact same approach: go do things with other people, connect, have conversations, build connections. And I’m 100% sure the rest would follow naturally, if it’s supposed to happen.
No huge expectation about meeting The One. No massive pressure every time I open my mouth. Just basic human connections, from one person to another.
People are not profiles. We’re not objects. We’re humans, with feelings, with flaws. All of us.
In a world where feeds and algorithms are taking so much of our precious time and dictating so much of how things work... I’m certain of one thing. The best way to meet people - friends or lovers - is by being a good old-fashioned human being and talking to people in real life.
Everyone’s connected, but no one is connecting.
Maybe the answer was never another app.
J
This was really helpful Jeremie - ha ha - not for dating - but a reminder about Meetups. We don't really have any here in N Wales, but there are some in Chiang Mai with some interesting topics I see. We have made some friends here when we were doing our reccie last year but it's always nice to meet new people who are xenophiles. 🙏