Stop Wanting Things You Won't Work For
I see so many people getting frustrated in their life because they are not getting what they want. It makes their life miserable, but it also affects those around them because often they like to complain out loud about it and let everyone know how unfair life is.
But what if I tell you that very often, this discontentment and frustration are completely self-inflicted, and that you could feel better by implementing a “simple” mindset change?
Those days, in our wonderful capitalist world, people want it all. They want the money, the nice job, the house, the travels, the physique, the health, the relationships, the latest gadgets, the convenience… everything.
But the truth is that most people are not willing to do what it takes to have all those. They just expect it to be given to them, or that it will happen, somehow.
However, as in this life not much is given to us… that creates frustration.
This article might be a bit provocative and might push some of your buttons, but that's okay. That's the goal, honestly.
Let me start by giving you a few examples so you really understand what I'm talking about… and I’ll use “I” so I don’t offend anyone:
I want to get fit. I want to lose a few kgs/lbs , I want to gain some muscles, improve my cardio. I really want to. However, I don’t have time to workout, and I also don’t have time to cook healthy meals so I eat quick cheap food everyday. It costs so much money also, my budget is tight. And after work or during the weekends I’m tired so I need to relax and watch Netflix. But dude I really want to get fit, I’m really trying but it’s hard! 😫
Also, I really want to start my own business. I hate my boss, I hate my job. I’d love to have my own thing so I can work when I want, keep all the profits for myself, it’d be so cool. I just don’t know how though. I don’t have ideas. And with my full-time job, plus family, seeing my friends, playing pickleball and everything else… it’s hard, when will I find the time? I’m so tired already that when I’m home I just want to watch Netflix. And I don’t have any capital anyway.
I would love to make more money! My job doesn’t pay enough, it sucks. I’d love to have more to buy all the stuff I want and travel more. I just don’t know how. I don’t know how those people make so much money, it was probably given to them or they were lucky. And even if I knew how to make money, I just don’t have time and energy to do anything… when I’m home I just want to crash on the couch and watch Netflix.
Do you see a pattern here? I might have exaggerated a tiny bit, but I’m sure we all know people like this. It’s always the same:
“I really want this”, followed by “but… [insert list of excuses]”, followed by “it’s so annoying, [insert list of complaints about how life is unfair and sucks]”.
I’m gonna be honest, I hate those talks.
❌ I want to be brutally honest in those situations: you have a pile of excuses for not getting what you say you want. However, those are just that, excuses. The truth is that you are not willing to do what it takes to get what you want, you are not willing to change anything in your life and get discomfortable or make any sacrifices. You just expect it’s gonna be given to you. Stop blaming the world and take responsibility. You are where you are because of your actions.
Your mouth says something but your actions and behaviors say something else.
Ok, I’ve been a bit harsh. But it’s tough-love 😉
I think this problem causes a lot of internal unhappiness that is completely unnecessary. I might sound a little hard saying all this so bluntly, but I also want to say that it is not (entirely) our fault.
A lot of this is a consequence of how we evolved as a species and how our society works. Many of these behaviors come from societal pressure and our need to belong. We like to keep up with the Joneses. We want to be seen in a certain way and be appreciated by people. This comes from years of evolution in our brains. We know that to survive, we need to be part of a tribe, and we're willing to do almost anything to not be rejected… even if it’s going to create internal dilemmas and pain.
For example, this explains things like social drinking. We want to be fit and healthy, but then we go to after-work drinks every Friday because we want to be part of the team. We're ashamed to order an orange juice instead of a beer. That's understandable, but it's something you need to work on. You don't have to please people or act a certain way to belong. You need to find people who accept you for who you are. You don't have to give up what you want just to fit in with people who have different values than you.
So, how do we “fix” this? Let’s first assess the current situation.
Time to Get Real About Your Time ⏰
A good way to be honest with yourself is to look at how you use your time. Time is always the main excuse for everything. Look at your calendar if you use one. Look at your screen time on your phone. Try to be objective and assess how you spend your days. Be honest about it.
For me, it’s not about HAVING time. It’s about MAKING time and prioritizing what truly matters.
Most people spend more than an hour a day watching TV, Netflix, or YouTube. Most people spend hours on social media just scrolling with no purpose. Look at your phone's screen time and it will tell you exactly how you use your time. For most people, it's nothing productive or intentional that will get them where they want to be.
Your Algorithm Tells the Truth 📱
Another way to see if your actions align with your words is to look at your algorithms. Let's take the business example: you say you want to start a business, but your Instagram/TikTok feed and YouTube suggestions are full of video games, sports highlights, cars, and entertainment. Nothing business-related pops up in your algorithm. That means you're not consuming any content about business.
If you're not consuming content about what you claim to want, you can't be surprised if you’re not making any progress.
Again, it's about priorities and personal responsibility. It's much easier to complain and blame other people for what's happening in your life than to take ownership of what you're actually doing.
Practical Tips to Start Aligning Your Actions 🎯
Let me give you some tips on how to start aligning your actions with your words.
Step 1: Self-Awareness and Honesty
First is self-awareness and honesty with yourself. Don't lie to yourself when you say you don't have time for something. You're not making time. You're not making what you want to do a priority. That's on you. Take responsibility and ownership of that.
Step 2: Question Your True Desires
Once that's clear, ask yourself: why aren't you doing these things? You say you want them but you're not doing what it takes to have them. Do you actually want them or do you just like the idea of them? Or maybe it’s just to please people around you, but you personally don't actually care about it.
In this case, accept that those “wants” are not yours, make peace with it (even if it makes a few people around you unhappy). There's nothing wrong with that, but at least you're not creating disappointment by pretending you want things you don't actually want.
How to Get Started 🎯
Now let's get practical. I've been talking about getting fit and starting a business. Let me give you a tip for something much easier: books.
Start Small
Lots of people say "I want to read more but I don't have time." Every time you catch yourself picking up your phone in bed, sitting down on your couch, or turning on the TV out of habit when there's nothing you want to watch, that's time you can use to read a book.
Just leave a book on the table or on your bedside table. Maybe sleep with your phone in another room so when you go to bed and can't sleep, the only thing you can do is pick up your book. Consider getting a Kindle so you can even read in the dark!
My advice is to make what you say you want a priority, then set up systems and catch yourself when you fall into old patterns out of habit with no intention.
Instead of just killing time because you're bored, do things that bring you value.
Get Ruthless With Your Environment
Our phones and their apps are very good at sucking us in. This might sound ruthless, but you can simply delete those distractions from your phone. Then every time you pick up your phone, there's nothing to do, so you pick up the book instead because your phone becomes boring without the ability to scroll. I have done this and my relationship with my phone is much more intentional.
Another trick can be making watching Netflix harder by logging out so every time you have to type the password. That friction might make you watch less, and picking up a book becomes easier.
It Starts With The Little Things
There are plenty of things you can do. If you want to start working out, block time on your calendar. Make it a priority. Make it the first thing you do when you wake up. Wake up thirty minutes earlier if you have to because of family or work commitments. The night before, put your workout clothes out so you don't have to mess around in the morning when motivation is low.
If you actually want to start a business, start consuming content about it. Hang out with entrepreneurs, read books, listen to podcasts, watch YouTube videos. There are free resources out there that can give you solid foundations on how to start.
Make It a Priority
Block time in your calendar. Make it a priority. Organize your ideal day and ideal week. Block the three to five most important things first, then add the rest. You’ll quickly realize that you do have time.
What if you have a job and a family? As the saying goes: if you want to replace your nine-to-five, work on it during your five-to-nine until it becomes your nine-to-five. Use the hours you spend in front of the TV when everything is done to work on your goals.
Yes, it's hard work. Everything worthwhile is hard work. You can't expect things to fall from the sky and be given to you.
The bottom line? You already have everything you need to start. You have time, you have access to information, you have choices. What you might lack is the willingness to endure some discomfort for a while.
And that's okay, but own it. Stop pretending you want things you're not willing to work for. Either commit to the work or let go of the want. Both are valid choices, but the middle ground of wanting without acting is where misery lives.
Your life is the sum of your choices, not your wishes. Choose accordingly.